Real Moms Adapt

A while back there was a meme going around titled "Real Moms ________". I didn't participate because I thought at the time that all bases had pretty much been covered. Then came The Pissed Off Housewife who reminded me that real moms adapt. Bad things, big and small, happen in life and real moms roll with it.

Leslie Bennetts: The Publisher's Mistake

Ten to one, the publisher who gave the green light on Leslie Bennetts was a man who has no idea what his wife does all day. Leslie Bennetts recently posted to The Huffington Post in their "Fearless Voices" section. A more appropriate title would have been "Clueless Voices".

Everyone knows that authors have to be prepared for negative reviews. What I didn't anticipate was an avalanche of blistering attacks by women who hadn't read my book but couldn't wait to condemn it. Their fury says a great deal about the current debate over women's choices -- all of it alarming.

I haven't read Leslie's book. Why? Because I'm not going to order it and spend money I could've used to buy books for my growing children. When it becomes publicly available at the library, I'll pick it up. Will reading it change my mind? If it's written in the same condescending tone as everything else Leslie's put out about it, definitely not. "Their fury" says more than Leslie apparently understands about the debate over women's choices, and the alarming part is that she doesn't seem to "get" that her tone is offensive. That patronizing prattle of "I know what's best and I'm going to tell you even if you don't want to hear it." We're grown women. We make our own choices, good or bad. We adapt.

...women were being lulled into a dangerous sense of complacency about relinquishing their financial autonomy. Why wasn't anyone telling the truth about how much they were sacrificing -- or what the consequences could be?

Sacrificing what? Money? Honey, if that's what matters to you most in your marriage I heartily suggest you seek the aid of a counselor. What the consequences could be? I spend my day enjoying my children, husband and life. Not obsessing over what could be. Sure, my husband could divorce me or worse. He could be suddenly disabled or unemployed tomorrow. This would be why we purchased life and disability insurances. Also, look up the following words: alimony, child support, community property. Anything could happen. If it does, I'll adapt because I've made loose, flexible, adaptable plans, but what I won't do is spend my time driving myself to an early grave dwelling on the worst case scenario.

I interviewed women all over the country, of every age, socio-economic level and background, but many used the exact same words to ask an angry question: "Why didn't anybody tell me what a mistake this was?"

I'd really like to see the numbers on this one. I mean exact, complete numbers. I want to know the precise population sample used here. I'd also like to see the transcripts that lead to the inference of the word "mistake".

I devoted two chapters to financial information alone.

Again, more focus on money. Is money the only thing that really matters to Leslie Bennetts?

Work confers enormous benefits in addition to a paycheck.

No one ever said that it didn't. If you need to work for the money, or because your kids drive you batshit, or because it makes you happy then go for it! Get this though: some people actually prefer their children to coworkers. Some people are actually *gasp* made happier by not working. Some people are fulfilled without needing to maintain a separate bank account. For the record, IMHO insisting on your own separate financial status in a marriage indicates a serious fissure on the trust front.

And yet millions of women continue to be misled by the fairy-tale version of life, in which Prince Charming comes along and takes care of you forever.

Sign me up for that life! I love my Prince Charming and all that he does for and with us, but let's get real on who is taking care of whom here. Prince Charming brings home the income, true. He also spends time with his children and assists in their care and upbringing. Who turns that income into a comfortable, inviting home? Who turns that income into the food on the table? Who turns that income into a Friday night movie? My Prince Charming is a wonderful loving father, husband and provider, but I'm the one performing magic tricks to turn those provisions into the goods and services that satisfy the wants and needs of Prince Charming and his children.

Naively, I assumed that once women were offered more accurate information, they would be eager to get it. After all, women aren't stupid...

If women aren't stupid, then why does Leslie repeatedly imply that they are? In fact, Leslie states right here that she assumes women don't have "accurate information". Why would Leslie assume that if she didn't believe that other women were too stupid to find accurate information on their own? Besides, you know what "they" say about "assume".

Equally encouraging was the woman who, after being introduced to me at a cocktail party, made a horrible face when the hostess told her about The Feminine Mistake. "I don't think I want to read it," she said, pursing her lips as if she'd just sucked a lemon. "The last thing I need is a whole book telling me why I should feel even more guilty about my life than I already do."

Somehow, Leslie still didn't understand the negative reactions after this encounter. Who knows, there might be some valuable information in this book, but since it is being presented in such a "holier-than-thou" light no one wants to even look at it. Dog crap might hold fantastic nutritional value, but people aren't going to start eating it en masse. Wonder why that could be.

my book is not a polemic; it's a painstakingly reported collection of information and interviews.

Polemic, defined by the American Heritage Dictionary: 1. A controversial argument, especially one refuting or attacking a specific opinion or doctrine. 2. A person engaged in or inclined to controversy, argument, or refutation. I'd say that with all the attention, Leslie's book qualifies as a controversial argument, and it does apparently refute the "Cinderella" doctrine that Leslie seems to believe that women across the country have been brainwashed with. Definitely a polemic. Makes you wonder how Leslie authored a book without a dictionary.

Polemic, synonyms from Roget's New Millennium Thesaurus: argumentation, assertion, case, claim, contention, debate, defense, discussion, exchange, expostulation, grounds, logic, plea, pleading, presentation, proof, questioning, reason, reasoning, remonstrance, remonstration. Guess she doesn't own a thesaurus either.

But you can't tell that to the stay-at-home brigade, who are enraged that I wrote it at all. When Glamour published a brief essay adapted from the book, the magazine was inundated with furious letters denouncing me. "I am so insulted by Leslie Bennetts!" and "I am so offended by Leslie Bennetts!" were typical openers. Of course, these women hadn't read the book either, but they weren't about to let the evidence get in the way of their pre-conceived biases.

Pot, meet kettle. You can't tell Leslie Bennetts that something might be wrong with her book or the way she's presenting it either.

And yet many stay-at-home mothers seem unwilling to do so. In my interviews, most said they didn't want to think about the problems they might encounter in the future, let alone to do any contingency planning. When I asked about the dangers of economic dependency, they bristled and insisted that bad things would never happen to them, only to other people.

Again, I'd like to see the numbers on the population sample here. I'd also like to see the transcripts because I'm starting to think that Leslie has sought out people that supported her foregone conclusion.

Among full-time homemakers, this overdeveloped capacity for denial is often accompanied by a highly combative sense of indignation about views that challenge their own.

Again, pot meet kettle.

Publications whose readership includes a high proportion of working women have been very enthusiastic about covering my book. But other publications catering primarily to stay-at-home mothers are terrified of offending them, and any coverage has to be tailored to accommodate their sensitivities, real or imagined. "We don't want to upset the stay-at-home mommies," more than one editor told me in a patronizing tone of voice that suggested the conspiratorial whisper of adults who are trying not to wake the cranky children.

Let's see if we've got this straight: publications that cater to people who agreed with Leslie before she wrote her book are enthusiastic while anyone with another point of view is "terrified". Leslie clearly states here that she believes stay at home mothers imagine their sensitivities then calls the editor who rejects her "patronizing" and implies that stay at home mothers are "cranky children". Wow. Way to be appealing and win support for your point of view! Call any opposing view a name. Why didn't I think of that?

Yes, it's true that women who don't work are often so defensive about their choice that they've helped to create this regrettable climate.

Could it be that calling their choice a "regrettable climate" is what is putting them on the defensive?

..."chief household officers," in the self-congratulatory parlance of one magazine aimed at that constituency...

Again, I can't imagine why anyone would ever find Leslie's word choice to be offensive.

Maybe the stay-at-home moms will devour the information in The Feminine Mistake and debate my findings in their book clubs.

Book club? Who in the fuck has time for a book club? I barely find time to read a book that doesn't include illustrations or Dick and Jane. Devour the information? As if women around the nation should be perched on the edge of their seat wondering what nugget of truth Leslie Bennett may have shit out today.

So here's the down-n-dirty: Leslie Bennett comes off as a condescending arrogant douche bag with a hero complex. No one is going to want to read anything that's presented to them as a didactic diatribe on why they're wrong in everything they do and you're oh-so-very right no matter what. I'll put a quarter in the PayPal account. Someone please buy Leslie Bennett a clue.