Yarn

At least the knitters will find it funny...

Take George Carlin's "On Stuff" and replace stuff with yarn.

Observe:

"Actually this is just a place for my yarn, ya know? That's all, a little place for my yarn. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your yarn, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their yarn. This is my yarn, that's your yarn, that'll be his yarn over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your yarn. That's all your house is: a place to keep your yarn. If you didn't have so much yarn, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.

A house is just a pile of yarn with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of yarn. All the little piles of yarn. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your yarn. They always take the good yarn. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny yarn. That's what your house is, a place to keep your yarn while you go out and get...more yarn!

Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your yarn anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your yarn. Somebody else's yarn is all over the place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his yarn! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your yarn on it. Somebody else's shit is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their yarn is shit and your shit is yarn? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my yarn down!"

Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your yarn with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of yarn, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your yarn. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your yarn. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of yarn there, put some yarn here, put some yarn--you put your yarn there, I'll put some yarn--here's another place for yarn, look at this, I'll put some yarn here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your yarn with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."

Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your yarn. The third version of your house. Just enough yarn to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got yarn ALL the way back on the mainland, you got yarn on another island, you got yarn on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your yarn up there. You put your yarn up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."

Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your yarn. The fourth version of your house. Only the yarn you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the yarn you HOPE you're gonna need."

Hilarity.

Yay! Almost Done!

bamboowip2
Originally uploaded by wlturland

The heel ended up being thus...

Knit across til 11 stitches remain. Wrap and turn (w&t). Purl til 11 stitches remain. Wrap and turn (w&t). Continue to w&t until 10 stitches on each side are wrapped, ending on a purl row.

Knit back, pick up and conceal 1st wrap (see Cat Bordhi's youtube video linked in previous posts). Continue picking up and concealing wraps until last wrapped stitch. Pick up, conceal and knit together with 1st unwrapped stitch. Turn, slip 1, repeat pick up and conceal wraps with purl side. Turn, slip 1.

Knit back to slipped stitch. SSK slipped stitch and next stitch. Turn. Purl back to slipped stitch. P2tog slipped stitch and next stitch. Turn. Repeat until 32 stitches remain on needle.

Resume knitting in the round, instep in pattern, sole st st until stockinette panel reaches the top of shoe heel. Repeat instep pattern on sole stitches to form leg and cuff. Knit til leg is long enough or yarn runs out. BO loosely with preferred BO method (personally I like Elizabeth Zimmerman's sewn bind off).

Boo! Bad Heel!

My beautiful socks hate me!

Turned the heel. Heel looks like crap, full of holes. Rip back. Start new heel. Heel goes wonderfully (the Baudelaire Heel from Knitty, just to let ya'll know). Try on sock. Cry. Rip heel again.



(Just in case it's not obvious: the heel turns about 1/2 an inch behind where my actual heel turns... the socks are too long!)

Edit: I'll keep adding edits as I work on figuring this out tonight... right now I've frogged one sock back to the point where the sole has been increased to 46 stitches. I'm starting the Baudelaire "style" heel by leaving 10 stitches on each side of the sole unwrapped, and 12 in the center, resulting in 7 wrapped stitches on each side.

Two at once, Toe up Thoughts

So, I'm working on Two at once, Toe up, Magic Loop socks... not as easy as I thought it'd be.

Starting the toes on magic loop with a figure 8 cast on is kind of a pain. Very floppy, very slippery. The best way I've found to do this is to work one toe all the way through the increases, stopping right after an increase round, then put the first one on a holder and start the second, increasing til the number of stitches matches the first toe, stopping right after an increase round. From there, just knit around, making sure to knit one half of each sock on to each side of the loop in the proper order and voila! Two socks, one needle!

Secondly, math blows. I'd love to say I became an artist so that I wouldn't have to do math, but the truth is that I do math constantly as an artist, so I really don't want any more than I absolutely must have in my knitting. Therefore, I have looked carefully at many other socks I have made and come to the conclusion that however many stitches started the toe is how many stitches should be left in the center of the heel when turning. No fancy math or anything like that, just subtract the number of stitches used for the toe-up cast on from the total number of sole stitches and divide the remainder by two!

For my current sock, this means 32 sole stitches, minus 12 starting stitches leaves 20 stitches, 10 on each side to wrap and turn in my short row heel. This would still work with a traditional heel flap in that to start the heel turn after knitting the flap I would knit across 21 stitches, SSK, turn and purl back 11, p2tog, ect. until only 12 stitches remain. What if, uh-oh!, I had 33 stitches? Easy, peasy! Make your center stitch count 13, with 10 on each side, or if you have a narrow heel 11 center with 11 on each side! Problem solved.

Finally, short rows require exceptionally tight knitting. Forgetting to pull a wrap up really tight or to knit the next stitch in the turn when picking up wraps really tight results in a funky looking little almost-hole. I'll have to see how it turns out in the wash, but right now, I'm not happy. Now, if it straightens up in the wash, I may abandon my figure 8 increasing toe and go with a figure 8 short row toe. We'll see how that goes :)

Until next time: "Follow your spirit and upon this charge cry, 'God for Harry! England and St. George!"

VICTORY!

I survived the semester! However, that little three week excursion into a level of madness beyond my usual insanity has prompted me to begin building a studio in the back yard. I don't think I can sustain what I just did over three weeks for the thirty two weeks it will take to complete senior thesis.

What have I been doing since the end of finals? Knitting of course!

FO: Horcrux Socks.
CastOn: May 2007
CastOff: November 2007
Yarn: Self-Dyed, Self-Striping Superwash Ravenclaw Film



WIP: Undefined Vanilla Two-at-Once Toe-Up Socks
CastOn: December 2007
Yarn: Fortissima Socka Bamboo



Since I'm figuring out the pattern as I go, here's what I have so far:

On circular needles, Figure-8 CastOn 12 stitches. Begin increases as follows: 1) Knit one round. 2) KLL after first and KRL before last stitch of each needle. Repeat rows 1 and 2 until knitting covers the first four toes and touches the littlest toe. Knit around until knitting covers all toes. Begin instep pattern (My pattern is 6x2 ribbing). Knit around until knitting reaches 2 inches before the back of the heel.

That's where I have to stop since I haven't gotten too my heel yet :)

BUT, here's the "plan":

Using the Cat Bordhi's wrap and turn method, knit across the sole until 1 stitch remains. Wrap that stitch and turn. Purl back until 1 stitch remains. Wrap that stitch and turn. *Knit back until 1 stitch remains before the wrapped stitch. Wrap that stitch and turn. Purl back until 1 stitch remains before the wrapped stitch. Wrap that stitch and turn.* Two stitches on each side are wrapped. Repeat between the * until all but the center 12 stitches are wrapped. Using Cat Bordhi's conceal wrap method, pick up the wraps as you work back and forth to turn the heel.

More knitting action to come as the holidays wear on! Same knit time, same knit channel!

I've also been able to get back to playing World of Warcraft the Trading Card Game. Yes, I flop cardboard onto a table for fun. Right now I'm working on a killer new version of Hoot-n-Shoot if anyone has any Bestial Wraths or Blastershot Launchers to donate to the cause.

More Knitting!

Muwhahaha! I have completed sock #1 of the Horcrux socks! Complete with Ravenclaw colors, dyed out to self-stripe in the Order of the Phoenix pattern. I only used 40 grams for this one, so hopefully I can make an identical twin for it rather than having to settle for a fraternal.


That is all.

http://scarletknits.etsy.com

OMG! Knitting! (pic heavy)

Yes, I know. It's a knitting post! With all the craziness at the end of the semester, I could only knit while sitting in lecture, which meant not much knitting got done at all. Funny thing is, I don't have a picture of the socks I knit in that class. Maybe next post.

So, first to the dye pot. I've been making custom orders for people wanting Harry Potter yarns that self-stripe and selling them on Etsy (hence the link in the sig of every post. I hate having to dig for it, so I stuck it there.). Here's a sampling:

Ravenclaw, film colors:

Ravenclaw, book colors:

Syltherin:

I also created a custom colorway for a friend's graduation gift, but I'm still waiting on Diva to send me the pictures I took with her camera.
Update:


So, actual knitting, I have some vanilla socks for hubby done in the Lion Brand Magic Stripes Denim Stripe colorway:

Yes, those are my feet in his socks. Interesting discovery: socks knit for hubby fit me! Yay! Sock swapping!
Next, my Horcrux socks in progress, just before the heel of the first sock:

And a much needed detail of the pattern panel:

Hopefully I'll have pics of my Aran Braided Socks for the next post :)

http://scarletknits.etsy.com

Seven Things

Seven Things About Me

1. I have a lot of sock yarn, especially since discovering I can handpaint my own and sell it on Etsy.

2. I talk too much when I get nervous, all the time thinking that I am making a complete ass of myself and yet still unable to stop the insane verbage falling from my mouth at a million miles per hour.

3. I say "Seriously" way too much.

4. I immediately think "where the hell did she learn that?" each and every time my daughter repeats whichever curse word I said last.

5. I have to run far, far away from my family once a week, just so that I can miss them.

6. I drink far too much coffee, which explains alot.

7. I am irrationally terrified by any weather capable of producing tornadoes, even though I live in an area where hurricanes are far more likely.

I don't know if I can come up with 7 more people. Consider yourself tagged. Please let us know 7 things about you.

Tagged:
Azrared (my partner in crime)
Gwendolynfair (recent graduate! yay!)
Truff (just because I gotta see this)
Elazar (my DH)
Samutz (my brother)
Brittain (knitting insanity)
Suga' (because I can)

http://scarletknits.etsy.com

Etsy

I created an Etsy store to sell my handpainted yarns from. Currently, there's only one hank in the store, but I'm working on finishing more to post. Have a visit at Scarlet Knits Store.

Day Five

Unknown (still dark out) hour: Awakened by DH who asks where Lamb's diapers are. Reply "where all the diapers are" hear DH huff about that being a stupid idea. Consider telling him which orifice he can remove his head from and what he can shove up there in its place. Go back to sleep.

6:30am Awakened by DH to say goodbye. Verify locations of Lamb's bottles. Verify Lamb's location in bouncy chair. Kiss DH goodbye. Doze.

7:30am Lamb is awake and hungry. Bring Lamb to bed. Feed Lamb. Lamb falls asleep. Doze with Lamb.

8:30am Lamb is awake again. Move to chair, start feeding Lamb, flip on TV. Realize contacts are not in yet. Watch History Channel show about the Disney theme parks anyway.

9:00am Lamb is finished eating. Put Lamb down. Hurriedly take care of morning grooming. Put on size eight shorts without compromising breathing or laying down on my back. Rejoice. Call Frog and Duck to table. Serve breakfast. Start coffee. Rummage for own breakfast. Restart dryer to re-warm dress clothes left in the night before.

9:30am Abandon breakfast quest. Take out foam block for maquette and consider various approaches before cutting. Lamb calls for attention. Leave block. Change Lamb's diaper and clothes. Frog decides to spend a little time with Lamb. Contemplate calling Nana to see if she's still interested in picking up Frog and Duck.

10:00am Check dryer. Start removing and hanging dress clothes. Put load of Frog and Duck's clothes in washer.

10:30am Call Nana about plans with Frog and Duck. Nana decides to pick Frog and Duck up for a Chuck E. Cheese adventure in about an hour. Locate Chuck E. Cheese coupons, socks and shoes. Distribute diaper changes. Pack diaper bag. Distribute socks and shoes.

11:00am Lamb wakes and is hungry. Make Lamb's bottle, realize this is the last of the formula. Entertain Frog and Duck with Noggin, feed Lamb, wait for Nana.

11:30am Nana arrives to pick up Frog and Duck. Gather grocery list and coupons for grocery trip. Frog and Duck give hugs and kisses, ride off with Nana for lunch and to play with friends at Chuck E. Cheese. Look up quiche recipes to use up eggs for supper and breakfast.

12:00pm Leave for grocery store. Realize hunger. Look for suitable lunch options that don't turn stomach with the thought of grease. Find none. Use Maya Wrap to kangaroo carry Lamb at the store. Lamb suitably charms everyone in store with coos and smiles.

1:30pm Arrive home. Unload and put away groceries. Check mail. Find letter from sheriff's office about parish property taxes. Wonder what's up with that. Begin sorting and folding clothes from dryer. Lamb wakes and is hungry. Feed Lamb while watching Knitty Gritty.

2:00pm Frog and Duck return home. Duck hasn't slept long enough and is very vocally cranky. Ask Nana about tax letter. Dig out closing documents, find no answers. Call tax office. Find out that line in closing statement that looks like parish taxes were paid at closing is actually where the builder's tax liability was deducted from the selling price, making us responsible for the entire tax amount of 2006 despite the fact that we only owned the property for one month of 2006. Find out that parish is selling off properties with past due taxes on May 2. Scramble to re-arrange budget and pay taxes to keep house. Freak out for a few minutes.

3:00pm Begin sorting through letters, mail and other assorted crap on desk. Get headache. Keep sorting. Wonder how the mortgage lender can not know that we do indeed have homeowner's insurance when it was required for closing. Talk to really nice lady in insurance department. Get insurance straightened out.

3:30pm Take break, knit another cable repeat on Aran Braided Socks.

4:00pm Notice Diva's home. Remember to talk to her about what time to go see the movie tonight. Get excited over Grindhouse all over again. Put on "Welcome to the Grindhouse" to listen to while finishing clothes and desk.

4:30pm Discover DH has been reading drafts before they're posted to blog. Also discover that DH has been talking to old classmates on Efnet. Investigate said classmates on Efnet. Wonder what kind of stories they're filling DH's head with despite fact that DH already knows I was (and still am) no angel in high school.

5:00pm Start supper. Settle on turkey and swiss quiche to use up huge supply of eggs. Quiche is more swiss than anything else. Hope for the best. Feed Lamb.

6:00pm Open Abita Strawberry Harvest Lager with Diva. Quiche is finished. Call it a day, publish blog.

Day Four

6:30am DH awakens, says that Lamb is awake but happy where he is. Kiss DH goodbye, doze a bit.

7:30am Lamb demands food. Mix bottle, feed Lamb. Lamb eats quickly, falls asleep. Put Lamb down, lay awake listening to Frog and Duck play. Consider paint choices for master bedroom and bath. Contemplate cocoa brownish for bedroom, value three celadon green for bathroom.

8:00am Referee fight between Frog and Duck over toys. Debate breakfast choices. Settle on cereal... again. Sneak peek at today's blog feeds. Note that favorite blog has not updated yet today. Grind beans for yummy Boca Java coffee. Sneak peek at co.comment. Get engrossed, forget about breakfast.

9:00am Lamb is hungry. Feed Lamb, remember breakfast. Watch History Channel show about Ammonium Nitrate explosions in Texas City, Texas in 1947. Lamb takes his time eating.

9:45am Lamb finally finishes eating. Put Lamb on bed to play, insert contact lenses, conduct morning grooming. Listen to Frog call out "mine". Check on Frog and Duck. Referee another toy battle.

10:00am Remember and serve breakfast. Forget coffee pot. Sit down to start writing checks for this payday's round of bills. Lamb becomes quite cross with mommy's diverted attention, becomes vocal. Snuggle Lamb into Maya Wrap. Lamb contentedly coos off to sleep. Wonder how I survived Frog and Duck's infancies without a wrap.

10:30am Duck decides to picnic on the floor beside mommy's chair. Debate sending him back to the table. Wonder what's more important: enforcing where the food is eaten (and chance him becoming upset enough to stop eating), or the fact that all the food is being eaten at its new location. Draw the line when Duck attempts to move picnic to bedroom, move Duck back to table. Prepare cup of coffee, put towels on to wash. Discover enormous mess Duck has made with Frog's cup of milk. Clean mess.

11:00am Remember appointment at two this afternoon. Gather items for appointment, pack preliminary diaper bag. Remember date with Diva to see Grindhouse tonight. IM DH to remind, text Diva to remind. Sneak peek at a few more blogs, including knitters anonymous. Marvel at tee-tiny little socks. Return to sorting clothes. Decide that tomorrow will be devoted to still unworked design project, regardless of the state of the house.

11:30am Move towels to dryer, notice lack of handknit socks, start load of colors. Find favorite t-shirt living at bottom of hamper. Delight in soon having favorite t-shirt back. Remember that Nana has offered to come get Frog and Duck for a Chuck E. Cheese trip tomorrow. Locate Chuck E. Cheese coupons, make mental note to go through coupon booklets from Sunday paper. Freshen coffee. Realize this may be another all-coffee day.

12:00pm Mail runs, drop spindle and roving arrive. Realize bill checks are still not ready to mail. Prepare bill checks, stamp, place in diaper bag to mail after appointment. Rip open package to adore spinning supplies. Spindle is yummy, as is roving. Post wanted ad to Freecycle for a gram scale. Return to clothes, fantasizing about spinning up yummy sock yarn. Serve Frog and Duck lunch, collect wayward crayons.

12:30pm Lamb awakens and feeds. Frog and Duck fill the house with delighted squeals as they run up and down the hallway chasing each other. Watch "Shear Genius" while Lamb eats.

1:00pm Put Lamb in swing, finish packing diaper bag. Add Marc Broussard to mp3 player for listening in car on way to appointment. Take towels from dryer. Transfer colors out of washer. Discover Say Anything's "Wow! I can get sexual too" on Fuse. Become enthralled by any band that would have Henry Winkler lip sync the words "I called her on the phone and she touched herself."

1:30pm Place catch-all bag next to door. Check diapers, change as needed. Distribute socks and shoes. Hope for a smooth journey out into the world. Remember that Frog and Duck are angels in front of other people, saving their worst behavior for closed doors. Be grateful for small favors.

2:00pm Arrive to appointment on time. Duck did not sleep enough in the van and is extremely cranky. Wait.

3:00pm Finally called from waiting room. Duck objects, Lamb demands food. Feed Lamb. Told to wait for more documents to be delivered before leaving. Wait.

4:00pm Still waiting. Duck falls asleep on lap. Moved back to waiting room. Frog and Duck become enthralled in TV, stay mostly quiet.

5:00pm Office begins to close, someone notices we're still waiting. Realize we were forgotten. Documents are hurriedly produced to complete appointment. Load Frog, Duck and Lamb into van.

6:00pm Arrive home. Frog, Duck and Lamb are all asleep in van. DH calls from a short distance down the road. Wait for DH before attempting to unload children. Diva cancels our movie date for study time. Get over disappointment, decide to play with roving and drop spindle tonight. Start looking for supper choices. Settle on leftover roast.

7:00pm Play with drop spindle while watching American Idol on the DVR. Get irritated by breaking yarn, send Duck for bath.

7:30pm Send Frog for bath, continue listening to American Idol Results Show.

8:00pm Frog and Duck are in bed, continue attempting to hand spin, call it a day, publish blog.

Day Three

6:30am Awakened by DH to say goodbye. DH informs that Lamb is sleeping in, jinxes the deal. Lamb awakens as soon as DH closes the door. Feed Lamb while listening to local news on TV.

7:00am Lamb is asleep again. Put Lamb down, doze.

9:00am Lamb awakens, calls mommy to the land of the living. Marvel at being allowed to sleep so long. Feed Lamb. Distribute breakfast to Frog and Duck. Make some of the Boca Java coffee Diva supplied. Begin morning grooming.

9:30am Taste coffee. Fall in love. Decide to order own supply of coffee. Settle on one bag of Baby Boca Bananas Foster Float (2oz)and one bag Baby Boca Apple Gourmet in the U.S.A. (2oz), $2.25 each. Proceed to checkout, discover $10 discount before shipping. Upgrade order to full size (8oz) bag of each, pay only $2 plus shipping. Feel quite pleased with nabbing such a deal when 8oz of the same kind of coffee locally would easily run $20. Remember shopping moratorium, feel horrible.

10:00am Clear large section of island counter top to prepare roast for the crock pot. Find crock pot, add two gulgs of Abita Restoration Ale to bottom of pot. Feel fairly certain that the brewer did not have this application in mind during development. Add pork roast, inject pork roast with three quarters of a cup of Tony Chachere's Praline Honey Ham Marinade. Pour remaining quarter cup over top of roast, add enough beer to fill pot to top (half a bottle). Duck comes cuddling. Duck smells. Change Duck.

10:30am Lamb is hungry again. Feed Lamb. Lamb falls asleep. Put Lamb down for nap. Check Frog's training pants. Ask if she needs the potty. "No." Have discussion about big girls and potties. Frog's not buying it.

11:00am Duck begs for lap time as blog is updated. Realize this is just a ploy to reach items on top of desk. Thwart Duck's attempts at obtaining an ink pen. Duck toddles off to find other prey. Hear mail pass outside. Check mail. Discover late notice from electric company. Enter living room, hear Duck correctly identify mommy. All stress melts under unbearable cuteness. Tickle Duck til he shrieks with laughter. Remember electric notice. Check diaper bag. Find un-mailed electric check. Wallow in feeling like an idiot.

11:30am Attempt bills and budget again. Online banking is not cooperating. After several log-in attempts ending in blank pages, notice "msg=The%20system%20is%20currently%20unavailable." appended to the end of the resulting URL. Wonder who screwed up the error page code. Abandon attempts to enter checking information into Buddi and continue setting up budget information.

12:00pm Serve Frog and Duck lunch. Listen to Lamb play with discovering his voice. Begin sorting mountain of clothes in hopes of locating couch. Lamb demands food. Feed Lamb. Lamb falls asleep. Put Lamb down for nap.

12:30pm Frog and Duck finish lunch. Cleanup Duck, carry him to rocking chair. Rock Duck to sleep. Put Duck down for nap. Cleanup Frog, ask Frog to lie down and quietly watch Fraggles. Frog lies down, falls asleep. Cleanup lunch table. Marvel at momentary hat trick. Return to clothes. Sneak a look at Crazy Aunt Purl's latest blog posts, freshen coffee. Discover The Pissed Off Housewife on Technorati WTF. Skim and bookmark for later. Add Pissed Off to Google Reader.

1:30pm Hat Trick ends as Lamb wakes and coos. Sneak peek at sleeping Frog and Duck. Frog awakens when door opens, sleepily rolls over and clutches Blue while watching Fraggles. Return to mountain of clothes. Locate starch. Place near ironing board. Make mental note to remind DH that if dress shirts are hung upon exiting still-warm dryer, less ironing is required. Move ironing to bedroom for more space.

2:00pm Duck awakens. Frog comes to bedroom door and demands "get out daddy's room. change butt. stink." Diapers are exchanged all around. Snack is served. Contemplate boiling eggs to cut up over salad with supper. Contemplate also making cookie cake. Decide to do both if at least half of clothes are finished by 4:30pm. Cease ironing until Frog and Duck are safely to bed, away from scalding iron. Move on to sorting Frog and Duck's clothes.

3:00pm Continue to ferry baskets of clothes from couch to bedroom for sorting. Discover arm of couch. Confirm that couch is still blue. Freshen coffee. Realize coffee is the only thing consumed today. Debate additional food choices, find no interest in any of them. Sneak peek at co.comment for updates. Giggle at Jeff from Calgary's idea about covering CAP's Yelling Family with exploding dog poo.

3:30pm Open blinds to let in sunlight. Notice that trash STILL. Has. NOT. Been. Picked. Up. Contemplate calling Allied Waste and demanding to know what the hell I'm paying for besides shitty service. Fantasize about calling Joey Durel and demand to know what the hell he was thinking contracting all parish trash pickup to these losers. Realize Joey Durel was a miserable failure at running both his Arby's and pet shop. Decide that Joey Durel was not and is never thinking. Period. Lamb calls out. Satisfy Lamb's empty tummy and need for affection. Calm down by smelling Lamb's sweet baby scent on the top of his head.

4:00pm Notice that trash has finally been picked up, retrieve trash can from curb. Notice that bag of trash dropped in road by garbage men last week remains despite repeated calls of complaint. Get pissed. Call Allied Waste. Informed that truck will not return to pick up spilled trash. Get more pissed. Implications are made that I should pick up trash myself. See red. Inform customer service lady exactly which orifice she should remove her head from and demand to speak to supervisor. Supervisor tries to candy-coat implication. Inform supervisor of same orifice and add what he can place there once head is removed. Contemplate canceling service and carting trash bags to campus each day. Decide trash smell in the van is not desirable. Feel hopeless and railroad by lack of other options. Attempt to locate information on next parish presidential election. Consider working for challenger's campaign regardless of who runs. Decide anyone's better than Joey Durel. Comfort self by knitting one Sock Yarn Blankie square.

5:00pm Make discovery that lid has not been properly seated on crock pot this entire time. Roast is no where near done. Transfer roast to larger crock pot. See commercial for take out IHOP. Seriously consider ordering IHOP for supper.

6:00pm DH arrives home. Contemplate supper choices. See if Diva has a meat thermometer, feed Frog and Duck chicken nuggets for supper. Diva has thermometer. While checking meat temperature notice article in paper about Allied Waste complaints.

6:30pm Frog and Duck finish supper. Get into bedtime routine. Continue to enforce "pick-up, clean-up" as part of getting ready for bed. Check roast internal temperature. Holding steady at one hundred ninety degrees. Decide to give it one more hour for good measure.

7:00pm Frog and Duck are called for storytime. Story is read, song is sung, hugs and kisses delivered. Frog and Duck are tucked in, adults turn towards supper. Frog and Duck decide to manually override the in-bed imperative set out for them.

8:00pm Make open faced cuban sandwich from finished roast. Yell at Remind Duck to get back into bed. Savor Frog and Lamb sleeping. Settle in to watch House, Bones and American Idol with DH and enjoy food. Consider knitting more sock yarn scraps for Sock Yarn Blankie. DH starts House, catch sight of weasel growing on Sanjaya's face. Anticipate Hugh Laurie fix. Call it a day, publish blog.

Day Two

2:00am Awakened by unknown. Creep around house checking on Frog and Duck, check local TV station's website for the current radar display. Sky flashes outside just before radar loads to show a whole lot of green, a little yellow and a few specks of red. Realize what did the waking, return to bed.

5:30am Awakened by unknown. Follow high-pitched screechy sound to DH's computer. Shut down computer. Screechy sound continues. Pick up DH's cell phone, discover it is the source of the sound. Attempt to turn phone off. Phone continues to screech. Attempt to turn phone off. Phone continues to screech. Attempt to turn phone off. Phone stops screeching with no indication as to why it was screeching to begin with. Return to bed.

5:35am DH's cell phone begins to ring. Curse. Return to phone, find that the alarm has activated the ringer. Press cancel. Phone continues to ring. Attempt to turn phone off. Phone continues to ring. DH approaches to see what's going on. Hold up phone, say "See?". Phone stops ringing without explanation. Lamb begins screeching. Return to bed, feed Lamb, doze listening to the Weather Channel.

6:30am Awakened by DH to say goodbye. Lamb squirms and gets ready to fuss. Kiss DH, feed Lamb, continue listening to TV, doze a little.

7:30am Power goes out briefly. Frog and Duck definitely notice the lack of Blue's Clues. Frog gets over it and begins to play with toys. Duck decides that it's not worth being awake if there's no TV and returns to bed.

8:00am Feed Frog breakfast, contemplate coffee. Decide coffee is an excellent idea since creamer was both bought and discovered yesterday. Open brew basket to find that the last maker of coffee (DH) did not empty the grounds afterward. Wrinkle nose and toss grounds. Wash basket and pot. Lamb makes squirmy noises. Check on Lamb. Get interested in the news story on TV.

8:30am Remember Frog at table, remember coffee pot. Place frozen breakfast sandwich in microwave. Lamb makes more noise. Check on Lamb. Remember contact lenses and begin morning grooming. Contemplate shower. Decide to wait until the electricity flying around in the sky subsides before encasing self in oh-so-conductive water. Finish morning grooming.

9:00am Remember coffee pot. Remember breakfast sandwich. Start coffee pot. Contemplate waking Duck. Settle on finishing breakfast before picking that fight.

9:30am Lamb demands to join the rest of the family in the living room. Frog thoughtfully points out that Lamb is wearing pajamas. Continue breakfast. Duck awakens in a surprisingly fair mood, then realizes he was sleeping and becomes quite cranky about it. Move Duck to table, set out breakfast.

10:00am Weigh Lamb's crankiness against the weather's cold and wetness. Decide to try a few more things before resorting to car ride. Notice that the materials for three new houses in the neighborhood have arrived. Watch large trucks come insanely close to the Diva's car. Go back into the house to deal with Lamb. Read story about a bus-riding cat in England. Turn off Noggin, attempt to talk Frog and Duck into picking up the toys in Frog's room. They're not buying it.

10:30am Watch Lamb play in his bouncy and coo adorably for a few minutes. Contemplate taking some "me" time to puzzle out toe-up socks for Frog and Duck. Decide to stick to cleaning before the motivation is gone. Aim to complete Frog and Duck's rooms before Frog's speech therapy appointment. Take a few minutes to attempt wearing Lamb in his Maya Wrap. Find that he likes it until he starts to get warm. Abandon Maya Wrap to redress Duck.

11:00am Find parts to swing's mobile for Lamb. After 20 minutes of searching, realize that until it was needed, the rotating arm of the mobile was always underfoot. Arm is no where to be found. Continue trying to convince Frog and Duck to pick up their rooms. Have some success with Frog. Duck's still not following the party line. Notice new IM from DH. Learn what a pidgin is. Vacuum Duck's room. Use last of carpet powder. Rip off most of toenail and bloody up toe attempting to move Duck's bookcase to vacuum behind it. Decide it's a good time for a break. Contemplate short run to the store for more carpet powder and band-aids. Check weather. Note barely drizzling rain and creeping warmth. Cringe at inevitable mugginess, start gathering children to make store run. Feed Lamb before leaving.

11:30am Power blinks out briefly. Wait for it to come back, check to make sure "save as draft" was used recently. Finish feeding Lamb. Head to store. Contemplate this post that DH found about saving money by giving up TV. Decide I could live without the extra channels, but not the DVR. Admit my addiction to TV despite the one hundred fifty dollar a month bill (cable, DVR, telephone, and broadband bundle).

12:00pm Drive back from store. Get several stares and incredulous looks for wearing sunglasses in the pouring rain. Wonder how many people are aware that the polarized coating on some sunglasses will reduce the glare from the road spray, improving the driver's vision (not for everyone, not always safe, reader discretion is advised, YMMV). Sit in van and apply band-aid to bloody toenail while waiting for the rain to slack up. Oogle at how dark its gotten in just a few minutes. As soon as rain slacks, herd children into house and serve lunch.

12:30pm Remember that today is Tuesday and try to remember to keep an eye on the clock. Make mental note that the van must be on the road by 1:30pm in order to make Frog's speech therapy appointment on time. Shudder at thought of getting all three children to speech therapy office. Realize hunger, contemplate food choices. Frog and Duck finish lunch. Clean chocolate pudding from Duck's hands, face, shirt, neck, forehead and ears. Wonder what possessed mommy to give him such a messy item with his meal. Pick up lunch plates. Notice Frog has only eaten the "good parts", ie: the macaroni and pudding, from her meal. Send both Frog and Duck to continue cleaning Frog's room. Duck's still not getting with the program, start helping Frog pick up. Note time til speech therapy.

1:15pm Frog's room joins Duck's on the clean list. Duck celebrates the newly vacuumed floor by rolling on it like a cat in catnip. Frog celebrates by pulling several toys out of the overstuffed toybox. Mental note is made to sort through Frog and Duck's toys to see what can be gotten rid of, especially with Duck's birthday coming in a month. Begin packing diaper bag and selecting knitting project to take to speech therapy. Stop to referee a fight over whose milk is whose. Yell Talk about cups not leaving the dining table. Settle on sock scrap squares for the sock yarn blankie as the traveling knitting. Contemplate taking the Maya Wrap.

1:30pm Get ready to walk out the door, notice rain has started again. Wait a few minutes for rain to slack up. While waiting discover that the previously buried by clutter bag sent by my Knit Mitt Kit Swap partner is perfect for holding purse contents, diaper bag contents, Maya Wrap and knitting project while quite neatly hanging across the chest messenger style. Fall in love with bag for cutting an arm full of junk down to one easy to carry bag.

1:40pm Check to see if rain has eased. It has not. Decide to use the dreaded (broken) side door to exit house with least amount of exposure to rain. Gather jackets and children. Duck is vocal about his crankiness. Hope silently that he naps during the ride and that the rain stops before we get there. Leave for speech therapy.

1:55pm Turn on to Ambassador Caffery Spillway Parkway. Notice some sun trying to break through and remaining clouds swirling like rain bands off a hurricane. Think to self that this does not bode well for the upcoming hurricane season. Mentally try to calculate cost of purchasing enough plywood to secure all windows on the house before the season starts in seven weeks. Get headache. Drive through huge puddles, sending water splashing up as high as the top of the van, much to Frog's delight as she cries "All WET!" with each new plume.

2:10pm Arrive at speech therapy. Begrudgingly awaken Duck. Duck objects to being awake, quite vocally. While waiting for Frog to finish her session, get Lamb into his Maya Wrap where he snuggles in close and is quite happy until hunger sets in. Feed Lamb. Lamb falls asleep in Wrap. Duck continues to be vocal about his unhappiness.

3:00pm Frog emerges with sticker. Ask therapist about Duck's refusal to talk and constant humming. Therapist suggests getting pediatrician to refer for speech therapy evaluation. Duck punctuates discussion by humming loudly at mommy. Children are herded back to van.

3:15pm Frog falls asleep in backseat. Stomach growls and forgotten lunch is remembered. Checkers fries solve hunger and give Duck time to fall asleep again.

3:20pm Pass Doyce Langeaux's Store. Remember that today is the tenth. Continue to house, leave kids sleeping in van, run in and grab the water bill and checkbook. Return to Doyce Langeaux and pay water bill. Wonder if Calgon really can take me away.

3:50pm Arrive home, awaken Frog and Duck. Lure them into Frog's room with Blue's Clues. Begin working on bills and budget. Suddenly realize design project is due a week from Friday and *zero* work has been done on it. Return to bills and budget. Get headache. Call Frog and Duck to table for snacks.

4:25pm Take Lamb for new diaper, notice Duck's closet is horrendous. Realize that Crazy Aunt Purl isn't so crazy. Decide to impose own "shopping moratorium" until at least May 1, 2007, with the option to extend. Include birthday and anniversary exemptions in moratorium. Begin looking for suitable containers for collecting "de-clutter" items.

5:00pm Give up looking for containers. Call Duck over to fix his shirt. Notice poopy hands. Discover Duck's been exploring his diaper. Change Duck. Wash Duck's hands and change poopy clothes. Notice full hamper. Start Frog and Duck's clothes washing. Fantasize about a lost masseuse knocking on my door and exchanging a back massage for use of the phone.

5:30pm Stop de-clutter hunt to start supper. Realize tomorrow is trash day. Make mental note to ask DH to take trash to curb. Decide to try One-Pan Pasta and Meatballs from Betty Crocker's 4-Ingredient Dinners. Recipe claims to take 30 minutes. Omit disgusting olives, add frozen Creole seasoning in its place. Notice stove is covered in dirty dishes. Make mental note to ask DH to load dishwasher. Lamb becomes vocal about his empty tummy. Frog generously offers to feed Lamb and takes him his bottle. Seriously consider this a step towards her coping, think about re-starting her potty training in the morning.

6:00pm Check on far too quiet Duck. Notice the mess he's made of Frog's room. Decide to re-institute "pick-up clean-up" as part of nightly bedtime routine. Frog discovers jelly beans on the desk. "My Candies!" rings through the house. "Bye Bye Candies!" is met with a mournful "Nooooooooooo!" that sounds like someone just shot her best dog. Noggin on Demand comes to the rescue.

6:15pm DH arrives home, takes a look at Frog and Duck's room, "ooo"s excitedly at the smelly-good in the bedroom. Sees bloody toe, asks what happened. Tell him he can read about it later in blog post. Update post.

6:30pm Supper is served. Lack of hunger is noticed, sit at table with Frog and Duck anyway. Lamb lets loose a monster belch, then laughs and coos, quite pleased with himself. Attempt to eat some of supper, remembering studies that found kids who eat family dinners are less likely to become obese, develop eating disorders or develop diabetes.

7:00pm Supper finished. "Bathtime" is met with an emphatic "no". The threat to re-institute "pick-up clean-up" is carried out. Baths begin. Frog delights in splashing as much as humanly (or toddlerly) possible. Duck checks in on progress. Notes that Frog is indeed taking a bath. Duck attempts to brush his own teeth, succeeds in filling toothbrush with hair. DH feeds Lamb and attempts to lure Duck over. Duck's not cooperating.

7:30pm Storytime. Frog objects strongly. Both Frog and Duck get their story, song, hug and kiss. Call it a day, publish blog. Head over to talk to Diva for a bit.

Day One

5:30am Awakened by screaming Lamb as DH attempts to give a bottle containing no water, only powdered formula. Point to the bottle of water on the nightstand, roll over, go back to sleep.

6:30am Awakened to say goodbye to DH, Lamb laid in arms and bottle given. Listen to Frog and Duck play as Lamb eats.

7:30am Change and put Lamb down. Proceed to take care of daily needs, such as inserting contact lenses backwards. Curse. Reinsert contacts, finish morning grooming.

8:00am Release the hounds Call Frog and Duck to breakfast table, complete with cereal and juice. Realize we're out of milk. Curse. Let children eat dry cereal and watch Noggin. Contemplate making coffee. Realize we're also out of creamer. Curse. Check to see if Diva's home to lend some. She's not. Curse.

8:45am Frog and Duck finish food fight eating, lure them into their room with Blue's Clues DVD. Lamb screams from his bassinet. Pick up Lamb, pacify with swing.

9:00am Strip all the beds, place sheets in wash. Realize we're out of laundry detergent. Curse. Find old bottle of detergent left by parents two years ago, make due with that and start washer.

9:30am Lamb screams from swing. Prepare bottle to feed Lamb. Realize that this is the last of the formula. Curse. Feed Lamb.

10:00am Change all diapers and/or pull-ups. All three children have "presents" for mommy. Pull out Duck's last diaper. Curse. Change any clothing soaked with juice from breakfast, distribute socks and shoes. Attempt to locate purse, wallet, keys, grocery list, coupons and shoes.

10:30am Herd children towards the door to leave for store. Open door to frigid blast. Curse. Attempt to locate jackets while children scatter. Locate jackets, lure children back to living room with Noggin. Head to WalMart.

11:50am Leave WalMart. Drive thru at Starbucks and decide to try the Dulce de Leche Latte. Drive home in stunned and cautious silence as the kids allow mommy five seconds to enjoy coffee (perhaps they sense the better day they'll have afterwards?)

12:00pm Return home from WalMart. Unload children and groceries from van. Put frozen dinners in microwave for lunch. Take kid's clothes out of dryer, transfer sheets to dryer, shove and beg Frog's gastric-content decorated comforter into washer. Put groceries away. Find several cans of coffee cream at the back of pantry. Curse. Yell at Remind kids that the Playstation is not their toy. Wonder what I forgot.

12:30pm Remember frozen dinners in microwave. Call Frog and Duck to the table. Realize breakfast still needs to be cleaned up. Curse. Clean up breakfast, place lunch on table. Finish Latte while Frog and Duck eat. Lamb (thankfully) continues his nap he started on the way home.

12:45pm Realize mommy needs food too. Put frozen sandwich in microwave. Check washer and dryer. Return to living room and look woefully at the pile of clothes that used to be a couch.

1:00pm Begin cleaning up lunch. Realize the pile of goo next to Frog's chair is actually her diaper contents. Curse. Realize her chair is also full of diaper contents. Curse loudly. Wonder how exactly to go about cleaning said contents. Settle on a full bath. Take Frog to bath, realize Duck is still running loose and far too quiet. Hurry into living room just in time to see Duck dump the entire cup of Frog's milk on the floor. Quickly grab Duck before he can play in the now bigger mess, gate him into the bedroom area. Return to Frog's bath.

1:15pm Finish bath, return attention to the still-present mess in the dining room. Remove booster from chair, rinse with hose, marvel at self for buying a dishwasher safe booster long before owning an actual dishwasher, wonder what it would've been like if booster was not detachable. Head to hamper to dispose of towel used to clean the milk, poke head in on Frog and Duck. Find Duck mostly disrobed, attempting to change his own diaper. Change Duck's diaper. Redress Duck. Return to cleaning the area of spilled milk.

1:30pm Remember sandwich in microwave. Debate current hunger level against the sight of the diaper mess. Decide hunger is still there. Wash hands several times in scalding water. Apply alcohol-based hand sanitizer for good measure. Twice. Sit down to watch Knitty Gritty while eating. Marvel that Lamb is still napping in his car seat. Savor the 70 degree breeze coming through the now open windows and say a little thanks to the powers that be for the warm-up.

2:00pm Finish watching Knitty Gritty. Head to the master bath to begin cleaning while wondering if Easter egg dye would be suitable for hand-painting yarn. Decide to try it when (IF) the cleaning is finished. Realize this morning's plan to begin with the master bath and work forward starting at 9:00am has really gone to hell. Say another silent thanks to TPTB that Lamb is still napping. Poke head in on Frog and Duck. Wonder where Duck ran off to. Find Duck asleep under his bed. Decide to leave him there and spare the rest of us his cranky wrath. Begin cleaning master bath.

3:00pm Master and kids' bath are clean. Toxic diaper pail is taken to the outside trash can. Duck awakens cranky and hungry. Snack is served. Decide to wake Lamb and feed him before he discovers he's been sleeping and becomes cross about it.

3:40pm Finish feeding Lamb. Quickly place Lamb in swing and stop Duck's escape attempt. Drag Duck back in from the porch kicking and screaming.

4:00pm Gate Frog and Duck into the bedroom area. Check washer and dryer. Sheets still not dry.Remake master bed with spare sheets. Begin removing clutter from master bedroom.

5:00pm Finish master bedroom. Irritate everyone's coughs and allergies by vacuuming and dusting (yes, dusting. try not to faint). Contemplate supper. Decide today's accomplishments warrant a little laziness and settle on hotdogs with pre-packaged salad. Lamb takes this decision as a cue to become very vocal about his empty tummy.

5:40pm Finish feeding Lamb. Start cooking supper. Check dryer. Sheets still wet. Start dryer again, checking outside vent for blockage and lint filter. Sneak a peek at the master bedroom and bath, taking a moment to soak in the cleanness.

6:00pm DH arrives home and saves himself from several weeks of misery by supplying the appropriate response of "wow" upon seeing the bedroom and bathrooms. Bonus points awarded for taking Lamb without complaint. Supper is ready to serve. Frog and Duck are called to the table and are seated after chasing each other around the table.

6:10pm UPS arrives with Lamb's Maya Wrap. Package is immediately ripped open for an impromptu fashion show.

6:15pm Lamb decides he's quite done with mommy's silliness and gets vocal about his hunger.

6:45pm Frog and Duck finish supper and run off to their room. Attempts are made to locate pajamas in the immense pile of clothes on the couch. Duck objects to the word "bedtime".

7:15pm Frog and Duck are in bed. Settling in with a nice Abita Resoration Ale and some very well earned knitting in front of the TV.

My other addiction

If anyone's interested in what I do when I'm not bitching about other people's children, there's a brand new post over at Scarlet Knits.