Yarn

At least the knitters will find it funny...

Take George Carlin's "On Stuff" and replace stuff with yarn.

Observe:

"Actually this is just a place for my yarn, ya know? That's all, a little place for my yarn. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your yarn, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their yarn. This is my yarn, that's your yarn, that'll be his yarn over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your yarn. That's all your house is: a place to keep your yarn. If you didn't have so much yarn, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.

A house is just a pile of yarn with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of yarn. All the little piles of yarn. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your yarn. They always take the good yarn. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny yarn. That's what your house is, a place to keep your yarn while you go out and get...more yarn!

Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your yarn anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your yarn. Somebody else's yarn is all over the place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his yarn! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your yarn on it. Somebody else's shit is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their yarn is shit and your shit is yarn? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my yarn down!"

Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your yarn with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of yarn, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your yarn. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your yarn. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of yarn there, put some yarn here, put some yarn--you put your yarn there, I'll put some yarn--here's another place for yarn, look at this, I'll put some yarn here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your yarn with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."

Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your yarn. The third version of your house. Just enough yarn to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got yarn ALL the way back on the mainland, you got yarn on another island, you got yarn on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your yarn up there. You put your yarn up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."

Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your yarn. The fourth version of your house. Only the yarn you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the yarn you HOPE you're gonna need."

Hilarity.

The day approaches...

...on which the nation will head out to polling stations throughout the country and, according to the late George Carlin, masturbate once again. Personally, I was asking $deity for a third option and seriously considering a write-in for the ficus again. I've looked at our political climate and determined that the two prominent choices are between socialism and stupidity. I'm not a big fan of either. However, I can put up with four plus years of dumbassery long before I can deal with the federal government stepping in to tell me exactly how I must spend my money. "Stepping in" is the polite definition. "Robbing me fucking blind by force" is more accurate.